Lately I have been invited to speak at various women’s events. Not only has it been a terrific experience, but also this resulted in meeting other very interesting women. One of them was an absolute beauty and full of energy, who told me that she is not interested in having a relationship right now. As soon as I heard that, alarm bells started ringing inside my head because she didn’t seem like the type that would be happy on her own.
So I decided to ask what her “relationship criteria” were for the man she wants to meet: Paul Haarman
- “A tall man with dark hair.” -“I wonder if there’re any tall men left with blonde hair?” – “No clue!” – “Oh well… easy enough. What else?”
- “Someone who has his own business.” – “That’s a lot to ask for these days; maybe you should focus more on finding someone with a steady job. There are certainly enough of those around.” – “What about you? You have your own business now!” – “Yes but I’ve been doing it for years. Why don’t we just focus on a stable income instead of a business per se? Why waste our time chasing rainbows when we can meet one somewhere out there?”
- I went on and listed criteria that were superficial or otherwise ridiculous. This girl was well aware that her list was going nowhere, yet she couldn’t think anything better no matter how hard she tried. In the end, I got her to admit that she was afraid of being hurt again, which is why she didn’t want a relationship.
- She was not the first woman I’ve met with this attitude and certainly won’t be the last. You might wonder what it has to do with me but bear with me for a moment. A few months ago, I took some time out of my busy schedule to attend an inspiring seminar by Shawn Nelson and afterwards posted some notes on my Facebook page, only to find out that one particular sentence struck a chord with many of us:
- “You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable or get back up and risk being hurt again.”
- Some women had clearly felt exactly the same way which was great to see and although I don’t know these ladies personally, we started discussing the subject on Facebook. I decided to go back to my original question: “Why would so many women be afraid of having another relationship?”
- I urge you to really think about your answer before reading on as it is an important one…
- The ego is a sneaky bastard and if something gets too close for comfort, it will either fight or flee. This also applies to love and relationships (which are not very different from each other). And depending on which side of the fence you’re currently standing on – whether you’ve had a lot of heartbreak in the past or not – it might be more difficult for you than others. If we’ve been hurt before it can become difficult to trust, which is why some women subconsciously decide to stay away from relationships? Or they only put the bar so low that they wouldn’t have to risk being hurt again.
- But let’s say you’ve found a great guy who isn’t afraid of intimacy and committing, yet he still keeps his distance for no apparent reason. He is always there when you need him but then suddenly goes AWOL when something better comes along. Whenever you try talking about your relationship you find yourself having the same conversation over and over again with little progress… This can cause anxiety which in turn makes us feel insecure about the future of our relationship, leading us to wonder whether there might be someone else or if we are not attractive enough anymore.
- It’s important to remember that anxiety and insecurity are signs of a lack of trust so I understand why we’d feel this way. But if the woman in question is completely honest with herself, she will admit that it isn’t her man leaving but her own fear making him look like a runaway groom. So please tell me: How can someone commit to you if you’re not willing to commit to yourself?
Conclusion by Paul Haarman:
We don’t need to chase men; we need to find women who are happy within themselves.
You’re right! I’ve met many men who say that they’re fine with being alone, but in reality it’s just an act because what they really want is someone special to share their life with. Of course, that doesn’t always happen and if you ask me, not every woman is desperate for a relationship either. But I do think the fear of commitment (or lack thereof) can be very real…